The mitzva of honoring one’s parents is one of the Ten Commandments. In the text of the Ten Commandments, it appears in a brief, summarized form, which is expanded upon in other places in the Torah, and more so in the statements of the Sages. The Talmud (Kiddushin 30b) compares one’s duty to honor and revere one’s parents to the obligation to honor and revere God. It explains: “ There are three partners in the forming of a person: the Holy One, Blessed be He, one’s father, and one’s mother.” The parents provide the physical body, while God breathes in us the breath of life. The Talmud further adds: “When a person honors his father and mother, the Holy One, Blessed be He, says: I relate to them as though I dwelled among them and they honored Me as well.”

Further reading: For more on honoring parents, see A Concise Guide to the Sages, pp. 41,  153.

The mitzva of honoring one’s parents applies mainly to providing physical assistance when the parents require it. It does not have to involve financial expense.

The obligation to help parents is all-inclusive, and it applies to each and every one of their children, single or married, those who live with their parents, and those have moved elsewhere.

Helping parents must be done in a dignified manner, with a full heart and a warm, sincere demeanor. Likewise, honoring one’s parents is not conditional on their behavior or way of life.

Parents, for their part, should try not to make excessive demands on their children.

The mitzva of honoring parents applies only to matters that concern the parents’ lives, and not those that concern the lives of their adult children. An adult has the right to an independent life, and he may make decisions concerning his private life even if these are inconsistent with his parents’ wishes.

When a person must choose between helping a stranger and helping his parents, the decision is clear: The parents come first.

If possible, one should try to live near his parents, in order to be available to help them in times of need.

If the parents do not require physical assistance but are interested in daily visits from their children for their pleasure, the children are not obligated to see them every day but should try to visit their parents as often as possible.

Children are not obligated to support their parents financially, and if they do spend money on them, they are entitled to repayment from the parents’ property.

Honoring one’s parents is expressed not only in deeds, but also in one’s manner of speech. One must address them with respect in both language and tone, and of course one may not display anger toward them nor insult them. This is the case even if the parents, for their part, do not show respect to their children. Furthermore, it is prohibited to demean or grow angry with one’s parents, even in one’s thoughts. We are obligated to think about them in positive terms.

One may not sit in the permanent seat of one of his parents at home (e.g., if the parent sits at the head of the table) or in the synagogue. This halakha applies even when the parents are not present at the time. If the children have received permission from their parents to sit in their place, it is permitted.

After the death of the parent, one is permitted to sit in his or her place.

When a father enters the room or is called up to the Torah reading in the synagogue, his sons must stand up. Some are strict about this and continue standing until the end of the reading of the passage of the Torah and the father’s return to his seat.

If the parent foregoes his honor regarding standing up for him (when he enters the room or when he is called to the Torah), his sons are permitted to sit.

Children may not call their parents by their first names, but rather by “father” and “mother” and the equivalent.

It is prohibited to wake a father or mother from their sleep, even for an important reason, as one must avoid causing any type of suffering to one’s parents. But if the child knows that the parent will later be upset that he was not woken, he should wake him up. Even so, it is better to ask someone else to wake up one’s parent.

One must honor a parent even after his or her death, e.g., by speaking of him or her in a respectful manner, saying Kaddish on the anniversary of the death (yahrzeit), and giving to charity in his or her memory. Honest and commendable conduct on the part of children also shows respect for the memory of their late parents.

Further reading: For more on honoring a parent after his death, see A Concise Guide to Mahshava, p. 29.

When a parent expresses his or her opinion on a given matter, his children must not express disagreement with him or her. Doing so is disrespectful of the parent.

If a parent asks an adult child to do something that involves the child’s private life, the child must listen respectfully, but is not required to obey. For example, if the parents want their son or daughter to study a particular profession, the child may still pursue a different occupation. Although he is not obligated to obey his parents with regard to his private affairs, when one obeys his parents with regard to his private life, he has performed a mitzva.

With regard to choices that express one’s values, like if a son wants to study Torah and his parents oppose it, he should not listen to them.

If the parents object to their son or daughter’s choice of spouse, the child has no obligation to obey them. Of course, it is highly recommended to try to appease the parents and receive their consent, but each person has the freedom to choose his own future.

If the parents decide to boycott the wedding and demand that their other children do the same, the brothers and sisters need not obey. Attending the wedding is part of the mitzvah of: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18), and whenever the honor of one’s parents comes into conflict with a mitzva, one must obey the Torah.

One must honor a stepparent and not only one’s biological parents. When one respects the stepparent, he is, in effect, honoring his biological parent as well.

The mitzva of honoring parents also includes one’s grandparents, in-laws, and even older siblings. There is a hierarchy: It is proper to respect all people. It is more important to respect the aforementioned family members. The honor of one’s parents stands above all others and takes precedence.

Further reading: For more on honoring one’s parents, see A Concise Guide to the Sages, pp. 41, 153.