The main purpose of the days of shiva, the seven-day period when mourners sit and receive consolations from relatives and friends, is for the mourners to remember and think of the departed. It is also important for them to come to terms with their loss and draw strength from those around them. Therefore, it is a mitzva to go to the mourners’ house during the shiva, to comfort them and raise their spirits.

The mitzva of consoling mourners is performed by the very act of coming to a house of mourning and sitting with them, as this conveys to them that the visitor cares and shares in their sorrow. Sometimes a mourner is overcome with grief and has no desire to talk. Therefore, the halakha states that when one enters the house of mourning, he must sit quietly and wait for the mourner to open the conversation. One does not greet a mourner, nor even inquire about his welfare (see the laws of mourning, p. 105).

The pace of the conversation and its topics are to be dictated by the mourner, and those who came to console must be attentive to his wishes. If they are familiar with facts and stories about the good deeds of the deceased, it is appropriate to relate them to the mourner.

When one has sat for a while and feels that his presence is beginning to weigh on the mourner, he should get up and leave.

Before leaving the shiva house, one says to the mourner a standard formula of consolation.

The Sephardic custom is to say:

“May you be comforted from heaven.”

Ashkenazim say:

“May God console you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem (some add: and may you know no further sorrow).”

The mourner responds: “Amen.”

To this standard formula one may add personal words of comfort, in any wording or style.

Those who cannot come to the house of mourning may console the mourner by telephone or in writing.

One who did not console a mourner during the week of shiva may fulfill the mitzva to comfort him during the following period as well. For those who are mourning parents, the mourning period is for a year, whereas for those mourning siblings, spouses, or children, the mourning extends for one month from the date of the burial.