Marriage in halakha is a two-stage process. The first stage is betrothal, called kiddushin or eirusin in Hebrew, in which the groom gives the bride a ring. After this has occurred the couple is legally married, although they do not yet begin to live together. If they would decide to split up, a divorce would be required. The second stage is called nisu’in, and its primary feature is the ceremony under the wedding canopy. In the period of the Mishna and the Talmud, it was customary to perform these two components of the marriage process at different times, months or even a full year apart. However, over the course of the generations it has become customary to perform the kiddushin under the wedding canopy, at the same time as the nisu’in.

In contemporary times, engagement is a declaration of intent by the bride and groom. This declaration carries no legal or halakhic significance.

In order to distinguish between the binding betrothal [eirusin] of the past and the currently practiced, non-binding engagement, which is also popularly known as eirusin in modern Hebrew, there are some Hebrew speakers who are careful not to use the term eirusin for their engagement party. Instead, some call the event tena’im, which means terms and conditions of an agreement. Jews of European ancestry refer to the party as a vort, which literally means “word,” that is, the declaration of commitment to marry which the parties give to each other. At an engagement party, it is proper for the couple to express their thanks to God for enabling them to find their match and to lay the groundwork for establishing their home.

It is permitted to become engaged and even to hold an engagement party during the intermediate festival days of Sukkot and Passover.

Although the three weeks between the Seventeenth of Tamuz and Tisha BeAv are days of mourning for the destruction of the two Temples, it is permitted to become engaged during this time and to hold a small engagement party without music. One may get engaged during the first nine days of the month of Av, but it is not permitted to hold a celebration at that time. Instead, the festivities should be postponed until after Tisha BeAv.

Further reading: For more on the Three Weeks and the customs of mourning that are practiced during this period, see p. 359.

During the engagement party, it is customary in some Ashkenazic communities to break a plate. There are two main reasons for this:

(1) to commemorate the destruction of the Temple, similar to the breaking of a glass under the wedding canopy, which is described below;

(2) to serve as a symbolic action indicating that just as the broken plate cannot be restored to its former whole state, so too, the two parties will not renounce their decision to marry. It is customary for the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom to hold on to the plate and throw it to the ground together. Alternatively, some break the plate not at the engagement party but when signing the deed of “terms and conditions” known as tena’im, at a later time, as explained below.

When it became accepted in Jewish communities to consolidate the kiddushin stage (giving of the ring to the bride) and the nisu’in stage (standing together under the wedding canopy) into a single event, there was no halakhic impediment to prevent the parties from calling off the wedding. This situation was a source of concern for many, as a cancelled engagement could lead to great financial loss as well as heartbreak. Therefore, a custom was developed, which has been preserved to this day in some communities, to write a deed of terms and conditions, known as tena’im. This document is a statement of commitment not to cancel the engagement, and it includes financial sanctions for such cancellation.

In addition to the commitment not to withdraw from the intention to marry, which is the essence of the tena’im, the document obligates the bride and groom and their parents to comply with the monetary agreements upon which they had agreed.

Some write this document at the engagement party. In other communities there is an interest to preserve the custom but not to accept financial penalties, and they therefore write the document at the wedding, just before the ceremony. Others do not write a tena’im document at all. When a tena’im document is signed on the wedding day, many write the document differently than how it was traditionally formulated: Instead of writing that both sides commit to get married, imposing financial penalties if they renege, they write that the parties have fulfilled their obligations and they do not have any claims against each other.

In the unfortunate circumstance in which a wedding is called off, especially if it is close enough to the wedding that the sides have incurred significant financial expense, it is worthwhile to consult a rabbi to ensure that the process will be done fairly and in accordance with halakha, and also to help the sides avoid any further or unnecessary emotional turmoil and ill will.