The Sages established mourning practices for the shiva period. This period of mourning affords the family the opportunity to express their sorrow and to process their loss. It is also an opportunity for friends and admirers of the deceased to express their feelings and to join in the family’s sorrow.

After the funeral, the mourners gather to sit together for seven days. It is worthwhile for all the mourners to sit in the same house, but sometimes this is not possible, such as when they are not all in the same country. In such a case, the mourners split up and sit shiva in different locations.

It is customary, and even desirable, to sit shiva in the house of the deceased, as his soul still lingers in his home. This practice, though preferred, is not mandatory.

The first day of the shiva begins immediately after the funeral. If the funeral ended shortly before nightfall, the remainder of that day is considered the first day of the shiva, and the second day begins at nightfall. If the funeral finishes after nightfall, the shiva will begin at that time, with the second day beginning only upon the following nightfall. If one is uncertain as to the exact time that the funeral ended or when exactly night started on that day, he should consult a rabbi.

The mourning practices are not observed for the full day on the seventh and final day of shiva. Rather, they are observed only for a short time immediately following the morning prayers. This is due to the halakhic concept that in certain cases part of a day is considered a complete day. For example, if the funeral took place on a Monday afternoon, ending before night, Monday is considered the first day of shiva, and the mourners will conclude their observance of shiva on Sunday morning. However, if the funeral ended on Monday night, Tuesday is the first day of shiva and the mourners will conclude their observance of shiva on the following Monday morning.

Even if the funeral was held on Friday close to sunset and the start of Shabbat, that Friday is considered the first day of the shiva and the mourners will finish on Thursday morning.

Shabbat during the days of the shiva is counted as one of the seven days, despite the fact that most mourning practices are not observed on that day.

When mourning begins on a Sunday, the shiva ends on Shabbat, and in effect the mourners conclude their week of mourning after the Shabbat morning prayers.

If a person was buried before one of the major festivals – Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover, or Shavuot – and the mourners began to sit shiva before the festival, the onset of the festival brings an immediate end to the shiva, and shiva is not resumed after the festival. This halakha applies even if they were able to observe the mourning practices for only a very short time before the festival.

If the burial takes place after the festival or during the intermediate days [Hol HaMoed] of the festival itself (in the cases of Sukkot and Passover), even if the death occurred before the festival, the shiva is postponed until after the festival, at which point it is observed for the full seven days. In such a situation, the family members should also observe some of the laws and customs of mourning during the intermediate festival days after the burial.

Other holidays, such as Hanukkah and Purim, do not affect the shiva. The laws of mourning on these days will be explained below.

If a wedding of one of the mourners had been scheduled to take place during the days of the shiva, a rabbi should be consulted.

When the mourners return from the funeral to the house where they intend to sit shiva, it is customary for friends and acquaintances to bring them food for their first meal. This is called a seudat havra’a (lit. a meal of healing), and it is meant to express the support of the community or of the mourners’ friends, so that they do not sink into despondency and self-neglect in their grief.

In this meal it is customary to eat bread and eggs or lentils. Bread is served because it is considered the essential part of a meal, and eggs or lentils because a round food is considered a symbol of mourning. One should also serve the mourners something to drink.

If the departed was buried late on a Friday afternoon or the eve of a festival, it is advisable to avoid eating the seudat havra’a, or at least not to eat too much, so that the mourners are able to have an appetite for the Shabbat or festival meal. If a seudat havra’a is not eaten, it does not need to be made up for at a later stage.

These are some of the laws and customs of mourning observed during the shiva:

It is prohibited to work during the shiva period, regardless of whether one is an employee or self-employed. If there is a concern of heavy financial loss due to the avoidance of work (a factor that applies mainly to the self-employed), a rabbi should be consulted. If the mourner owns a store or business that can be run by others, he should consult a rabbi as to whether he must close it during the shiva, or whether it may continue running without his involvement.

It is prohibited for a mourner to bathe for pleasure throughout all the days of the shiva. Even when showering for the purpose of cleanliness, one should avoid using hot water as much as possible.

A mourner is not allowed to anoint himself, i.e., to use cosmetic products such as oils, creams, makeup, and so on. The use of medical ointments, or moisturizers to treat dryness of the skin, is permitted.

Mourners may not wear leather shoes during the shiva, but may wear shoes made of other materials such as rubber or plastic.

It is prohibited for mourners to wear laundered clothing during the shiva. It is customary for the mourner to wear the clothes that he tore at the funeral for the entire week of shiva. It is permitted for a mourner to change his undergarments. If his shirt can no longer be worn, he may put on a different shirt, but he must then tear that shirt as well.

Mourners are forbidden to engage in marital relations. They should even avoid sleeping in a shared bed with their spouse. A woman who is mourning does not immerse herself in a ritual bath during the shiva, but she is permitted to bathe herself lightly in order to perform a “separation of purity” [hefsek tahara] after menstruation and to begin counting her “seven clean days.”

Further reading: For more information dealing with these laws, see p. 81.

A mourner is prohibited to learn Torah, as Torah study gladdens the heart. Nevertheless, he may engage in the study of sad topics in the Bible, such as the book of Job, which deals mainly with the theme of sorrow and suffering in the world; the book of Lamentations, which mourns the destruction of the First Temple; as well as certain passages in the book of Jeremiah that describe the destruction of the First Temple. It is likewise permitted for mourners to study the laws of mourning.

In times past, mourners would sit shiva on the ground. In our days it is customary to sit on low chairs rather than on the floor.

A mourner may not cut his hair or shave during the seven-day mourning period (see below with regard to the first thirty days and the first year).

A mourner should refrain from cutting his nails during shiva, but he may do so without the use of implements, e.g., with his teeth or hands.

The mourner should not leave the house of mourning during the shiva, as every such outing distracts his mind from the mourning. If he feels it necessary for him to do so, he should consult a rabbi. If prayers are not held in the house of mourning, some hold that he may go to the synagogue in order to pray with a quorum of ten men [minyan] and to recite Kaddish for the soul of the deceased. If the synagogue is very far from his house, he should avoid going there.

It is customary for a candle to be lit in the house of shiva throughout the seven days. This custom is based on the verse: “The soul of man is the lamp of the Lord” (Proverbs 20:27). The candle symbolizes the survival of the soul after the person’s death, and the aspiration of the soul to rise upward, just as the flame of a candle constantly strives to ascend.

It is also customary to cover the mirrors in the house of mourning. The origin of this custom is unknown, but two reasons have been suggested:

(1) The mourners should not see themselves in the mirrors and be led to improve their physical appearance by applying makeup and the like during the shiva.

(2) It is customary to hold prayer services in a house of mourning, and it is prohibited to pray while facing a mirror.

The mourning in the first three days of the shiva is more severe than that of the following four days. Therefore, during those last four days there may be room for certain leniencies regarding the mourning practices in situations of need, in consultation with a rabbi.